Did you ever have that one place as a kid or even as an adult that you knew you could always go to no matter what? Home right? Where you grew up, or maybe a special fort in the back yard or maybe you could just close your eyes and imagine it.
I grew up in different apartments, I never thought anything wrong with it but I was always a little jealous of my friends who had houses. That's why I loved going to Grandma's house so much. As a little girl I spent a lot of time there. Walking back and forth to school, playing on the swing set she kept for us, riding bikes up and down the street. Even after I got older and started driving and hanging out most of the time with my friends, I still went to Grandma's at least once a week. She was my best shopping buddy, the best cook and I just liked sitting and talking or watching TV together.
I've lived with Grandma quite a bit throughout my life, and turning down her street I always knew I was almost home. I've had just about every birthday, Christmas whatever occasion you can think of there, the same with my kids.
Grandma has been living in an assisted living facility for over a year now, and it is a wonderful place and I am glad she is being looked after and being taken care of. However this means that Grandma's house needs to be sold.
I was there while they were packing it up and readying it for sale. I've been down there while it's been staged for open houses, and even when it's been empty. I spent a couple hours down there on Christmas just because it seemed right.
The house is closing today. I can't be in denial anymore. I have to face up to the facts it's not my home anymore. And you know, I don't think it's the house I am afraid of losing. I have realized through all of this that I grew up extremely lucky. You see my family was always together, aunts, uncles, cousins. Birthdays, holidays, Tuesdays we were always at Grandma's together. I am scared about what is going to happen without the house to be our meeting point. I am afraid that I am going to lose the closeness of my family. In small ways I can already see it happening. I am also terrified that I will never be able to give my kids that awesome feeling of always knowing where you could turn to.
And more than anything I am scared of losing Grandma. I know it sounds ridiculous but the house being sold makes it all real. Grandma is never going to go home again, at least not to her house. I need to visit her more and I know its selfish and not fair to her, but I always want to remember her at home sitting in her chair amongst all of her magazines and publishers clearing house finds drinking her coffee eating her coffee cake and talking so much that you can't really pay attention any more. I want her to be able to go shopping with me again, go out to lunch. I miss that so very much.
I guess that's it, just needed to get it all off my chest. I can't be in denial anymore. My heart will always be there, that will always be home to me. Even if some strange new family is living there. I will always remember it exactly as it was, with the red and white siding, the shrubs along the walkway, the giant pine trees that were our secret hideout and the furniture that hasn't been moved since sometime in the 80's. Good thing I have a lifetime of memories and the pictures to match to refresh once in a while.
