Monday, April 13, 2009

"What I ended up finding was myself
and that high school hasn´t changed
Those girls are still there
the ones that,
even as you grow up,.
will remain
the most beautiful girls...
you have ever seen close up."

Have you ever felt that way? You see someone so dropdead gorgeous you know that there is no way that you will ever compare to their beauty. I used to feel so ugly in school. For alot of different reasons really. I always felt second best to others. I think alot of this had to do with certain people who raised me. Noone in my actual family so don't worry there. I always felt, belittled and ashamed of who I was and who I wanted to be. It took me along time to get past those walls I built around myself so that I wouldn't be hurt anymore. It took me a real long time to realize that I was pretty, and good enough and I could do whatever I wanted.
But sometimes those same scared little girl feelings come back. Certain things in life come up and once again I am that insecure little girl who feels ugly and not good enough. I think it is happening a little too often lately. But I charge through it and hope that one day soon the feelings will go away. Even if I sit and cry a few nights.
Having a 2 little girls of my own I promised she would never feel that way. Not by me or by anyone who cares for her. So I do my best to reassure her that she is gorgeous inside and out. And that she is smart. I hope they never gets bullied in school. I wasn't bullied, they didn't get the chance. I did it enough to myself. Self Esteem I have learned is such an important thing. It makes you evaluate your self worth and these early years are what are going to give her what she needs as an adult. I never want my girls to feel the way I do. I still don't think I could be a model or anything, but you know.. I am getting better. And don't get me wrong. I know that true beauty is on the inside. I just sometimes feel not so pretty there either.
Watching my friends lives go on, watching them be happy in their lives with their husbands, or boyfriends, or whatever, leaves me jealous and yes sometimes angry. And then I feel like a bad friend. I want what they have. I HAD what they have. I want it back. It's been 2 years!! When I sit back and think about it it just makes me feel that much worse. But I suppose whatever is supposed to happen will and that is all I have to wait for. In the mean time I will continue to reassure my daughters that they are beautiful all around and smart and that they can do whatever they set their minds to do!

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