Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
When I moved back from Indiana to my hometown I was starting my sophomore year in high school. It wasn't so scary because I knew a lot of people from Jr. High and grade school and had kept in touch with a few friends. They had met new people in the year I was gone but I was welcomed back like I had never left. I just kind of folded in.
One of the friends that I was introduced to was Steve. My friend Jackie actually wanted to date him. Steve was funny, he was short, and he had the best smile and the biggest feet. Jackie and him dated for a while then for some 14 year old reason they broke up. Steve asked me out after a while and after oking it with my friend we started dating. We dated through Valentines Day, had our first kiss at a school basketball game, we had our share of inside jokes, we met at the park after school, talked on the phone every night, we were pretty much inseparable. For some other reason I can't really remember we broke up, we stayed friends though. He knew everything about me, we shared a locker, we still talked every day, joked and laughed and met at the park. He was my best friend in every way.
Steve called me 14 years ago this morning and told me he was going fishing with some buddies. I said have fun call me when you're done and went about my day. He didn't call me and I didn't call him I figured I'd always have tomorrow. Early the next morning I got a phone call from another friend. She asked me if I read the paper or watched the news. I said yeah (I hadn't I was 15 why would I want to read the paper or watch the news) She told me that one of the 2 boys that had drowned the night before was Steve….They still couldn't find his body…I don't really remember hanging up, I don't remember saying anything, most of the day is a blur. I remember crying so loud that my aunt called my mom home from work, I remember leaving with some friends and driving around making up crazy scenarios about where he was and how he was ok. It helped get through the next few days. We all knew he wasn't coming back. The Mighty Mississippi coughed him up about 20 miles from where he went under 3 days later. I don't really know why but knowing he was found made me feel better, I guess maybe because now I would have a definite answer.
In the days before his funeral a bunch of us hung out at his moms sharing stories and talking about him. His visitation was the hardest one I think I have ever been to. I watched all my big strong guy friends break down, some of them fell to their knees at the casket, which we had loaded with all sorts of goodies for him to have with him in Heaven. I remember the sitting room had this mirror it was called an infinity mirror or something like that and every time I looked in it I felt better because I felt like I could see right into Heaven, I can't explain much more than that I just know that mirror was a huge comfort and I really wish I could have one at my house.
The funeral was harder than the visitation, His family played his favorite song, they played the song him and I had made "ours" I talked about him which I am so glad I did. And we had to say goodbye.
I have been to the cemetery a few times in the last 14 years; I have never been strong enough to go to the place where he was when he drowned. I still talk to him a lot. I think about him all the time. Over the years I have lost touch with his family but would want them to know that they are in my thoughts every day. I loved him, I still do.
Some times I will dig out my folder that has all things Steve in it and I will cry and laugh and remember. I am still scared of the river; I try to avoid it especially in certain places. I have a hard time going over the bridges but every time seems a little bit easier.
I decided the best way to end my post about Steve would be to end it with a poem I wrote for him. It won 1st place in a local poetry contest and I think that was a great way to honor him.
In Loving Memory
I want to see his face again
I long to see his smile
I need to hear his voice once more
If just for a little while
My mind wants him here with me,
But still he's far away
It's trying to think of everything
To make him come to stay
My heart is searching soulfully
To hide the love inside
But the love I have inside for him
Is something I simply cannot hide
I will sit here wondering
How it could've been
And I'll sit here waiting
For my chance to come again
(Dedicated to Steven C. Morse on August 14, 1996)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I know the last few days I got all umm…I don't know sad like I guess. I guess I am just trying to work through things in my own way and when I put them down on paper, or screen rather, They're not swimming around in my head anymore and I feel a little bit better. JSo sorry for being such a Debby Downer.
I read a few blogs, I have my favorites, their buttons are over there on the left. You should check them out because well they're AWESOME! I can only dream of being as amazing a writer as they are. I know my following isn't too big, hell I don't think I've ever even had a comment. So come on all you lurkers, I know you're there, comment say something! Anything! Ok, well please don't tell me I suck because that would make me a little sad.
I am going to my first blogging conference in March! I am so excited I'll be on a BOAT people! On the OCEAN! I'll be leaving the COUNTRY for the first time in my whole life! This is HUGE! I am trying to recruit some girlfriends to go with me cause how cool would that be, a week at sea no kids just friends hanging out. I CAN'T WAIT! Oh and it's with Aunt Becky and she's kindof like a celebrity so I am a little nervous about that. It leaves me wondering who else will be there, what will I learn, I would love to write more than I do but am struggling at the what to write about thing so hopefully I will learn about that. Maybe I will learn absolutely nothing and just have a blast in the Caribbean with my friends and Aunt Becky and make some new friends that I can stalk on the internet. J
So I don't have a whole lot to say today other than I am very bored and feeling very random and still stuck without a car. It pretty much sucks a whole lot. L Hopefully I will be mobile again soon and then I will do more fun things with the kids and not feel like such a bum.
Have a great day!
I read a book the other day about a soldier's account of his time in Iraq. It told of his missions and what he saw and what went through his mind while he was overseas. It was interesting, it was scary, it was so sad. It gave me an inside look, a first hand account of what my husband went through in the year he was gone. It made me wonder. How would my book read, my first hand account of being a mom on the homefront, holding down thefort. Maybe it would be an interesting read, maybe it would flop. I really couldn't tell you, but I figured I will try.
I believe Dan got word that he was on alert in February of 2004. That was a scary day, we spent the day at families houses telling them the news. I held it together, mostly, I was really ok until his sister asked me "How are you holding up?" I lost it! I cried I was mad, I was hurt, I couldn't believe it. But we still didn't know when he could leave, it could be tomorrow, or next week, next month, we just did not know and that was probably the scariest part. Would I have time to tell him goodbye. Would the kids understand what was happening? What was I going to do. I spent a lot of time crying, always in private, sometimes to friends, but mostly into my pillow. I had to stay strong, I had to make everyone think I was going to be OK, when really I wasn't sure I mean how could I be…
We never really talked about him not coming home but it was always on my mind. I didn't think I could handle that, being a widow at 24! I tried not to think about it but it was always there, just under the surface.
Finally word came. The official orders, I am sure I still have them saved on my computer somewhere, along with every email and im conversation we had while he was gone, he was going to be leaving on Veteran's Day 2004. Kindof fitting right? We prepared as best as we could. And bright and early on November 11th we headed out to the unit to tell our soldier, my husband, my kids father, goodbye, perhaps for the last time. All of our best friends and our families were there. It was a tense atmosphere, so much crying from everyone around, talking, laughing, and just a lot of quiet thinking. Finally the time came for the soldiers to line up and get on the buses that would take them to the airport. There were hugs, and kisses and some more tears. Then we all got into our cars and headedto the airport to watch them board the plane.
It was so very cold out. But I don't remember being cold. We all gathered at the fence at the air strip. Dan was on every single news station. One of my favorite moments, I have on tape somewhere, Dan leans through the fence and kissed Nick goodbye. The whole QC got to see that. That was right after Nick proclaimed that Daddy had to take Blankie with him so he would not be scared. Which brought tears to everyone around. Instead we tore a piece of Blankie off and Dan put it in his breast pocket, where it stayed until he came home. We said some more goodbyes and tried to hug through a fence, which was incredibly awkward by the way. Then they had to board the plane. We stood and waved, all of us. Until the door closed. I was still not ready to say goodbye so I didn't get back in the car, I stood on a small hill and just watched, soon I was flanked on either side by my mother and my mother in law. That too was caught on video and aired on local television. And we waved, somewhere there's pictures of us waving until the plane looks like just a speck of dust that is on a photograph. I don't remember much after that, I don't remember driving home, I don't remember going to sleep that night, I probably cried I don't remember but that's probably a good thing.
I remember waiting, a lot of waiting, waiting for mail, waiting for phonecalls, waiting for the computer to beep that he was online and of course waiting for the call saying he was coming home. But those are all stories for another day.
I used to be a wife. That seems like a lifetime ago and I guess really it was. I knew from the time I was 13 that I was going to marry him. He was my first love. When I was 19 my childhood dreams came true. We were married in the back room of a church in Vernon Parish Louisiana. Our first year together was great, in March we found out we were having our first, his second, baby. In October I 8 months pregnant headed home to wait for my love to get out of the military and join me so we could begin our 'civilian life' he came home a couple weeks before our son was born. The day we brought Nick home I didn't think life could get better. We found our own place and he got a good job and so was our life. We spent weekends with friends and things were good. In 2003 we extended our little family by one more, a little girl. We were complete. We loved being together, being in love is like that I guess. We had our fair share of arguments but always made up, things were good.
In 2004 we got word that our life was going to change, His guard unit got called to Active Duty. We weren't sure exactly when he was leaving or for how long but we started talking to and preparing the kids for it. We mounted a world calendar on the wall and showed them where daddy was going. We made countdown calendars and drew pictures. We had to prepare for the worst and draw up wills and talk about things you never want to talk about. On a cold day in November we bundled up our 3 babies and headed for his departure. Friends and families were everywhere, I was still in denial, I didn't want to say goodbye, and I didn't want to lose my husband. I was scared trying not to show how sad and upset I really was. I didn't want him leaving thinking I would be a broken mess at home without him, which really is exactly what I was. We hugged and kissed and told each other goodbye and that we'd see each other soon enough and then me and the kids and all of our friends and families waved and waved until we couldn't see the plane in the sky anymore. Then I went home and cried, I cried a lot, I would cry myself to sleep just about every night. I did get to see him one more time before they shipped out to Iraq. I drove with my 2 boys and 2 girls that I didn't know to see our soldiers in New Jersey for Thanksgiving. It was a fun trip, but it was a sad trip. I knew that there was a chance I would never see my husband, my best friend again, and in some ways that is exactly what happened.
He arrived in Kuwait on our 5 year anniversary. He had a friend bring me flowers and somewhere I still have the card that he dictated over the phone to her. We talked a lot while he was 'in country' sometimes as much as once a day on the phone. We did get to talk every day via the internet. I had my speakers turned up full blast so that I would hear that ding at any hour of the day or night. I hated to leave the house because I might miss talking to him, and on the rare occasions that I did miss him I spent the rest of the day crying.
I heard stories of other soldier's wives and girlfriends cheating on them, leaving them because they couldn't handle them being away and it baffled me. How is that true love? I took my vows very serious, for better or for worse, and this was my version of the worst. I never strayed, never even crossed my mind, but somehow it got into his head that I did and to this day he still thinks I cheated. I think that hurts most. I loved him too much to hurt him like that; I still love him that much. He was/is my best friend.
He came home in January of 2006, right before our anniversary, we went on our traditional dinner and a movie date, we spent lots of time with friends and family he was nothing short of a celebrity. Things were perfect again. Then I started to notice that things were different, he was quieter, and wouldn't talk to me, stuff like that. In the summer we separated for awhile. I really couldn't tell you how long or what I did during that time because I don't really know. I did start talking to a guy I knew from high school but made it very clear I was married and was going to give everything I had to try to make my marriage work. I moved back home and quit talking to anyone associated with the guy I had reconnected with and tried, I tried so hard, I love him so much it was all I wanted to be together forever.
In January 2007 we separated again, this time I knew it was for good, he did what he had been accusing me of doing, maybe that was why he believed that I was because he was trying to rationalize his actions, I really don't know just my theory. A few months later I started talking to the guy I had met the year before, partly because he was a good guy and listened and partly because I really wanted to hurt my husband the way he hurt me. After my divorce was final I moved in with the guy and shortly after became pregnant, at the same time my now ex-husband was busy getting remarried and having a baby of his own. The guy and I didn't work out; I moved out and thus began my life as a single mom without one of my boys.
And that is the end of that story and perhaps I will pick up again and carry on with it on another day. That is just one chapter in our lives and although that chapter is forever impacting on the future ones I have to let it go, though it has taken and will probably continue to take a lot of tears to do so I am working on it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I took this picture of Nick while we were on the March of Dimes March for Babies. We walked and I told him and Kait the story of baby Madeline and baby Mimi and all about how some babies are born too early and noone really knows why. Nick stopped picked up a flower and made a wish that all babies are born healthy and when they are supposed to be so that no other parents have to lose their baby due to prematurity. He is such an awesome kid! I love the pic! probably my favorite of the day. :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
This has been a rough year for you. Your best friend has been going through chemo and you don't quite understand why you can't see him. Your big brother is living far away and we haven't been able to see him since August. And because of your dad's work schedule you don't get to visit him too often. And now we are moving...again.
You are such a trooper though. I know you are hurting inside, alot, but you keep going, keep trucking along.
Gavin lost his hair because of the chemo and you insisted that I 'bic' your head. You didn't even complain when I knicked you a little bit, ok a lot. You are upset because right now your hair is about a half an inch long and we need to shave it again. You said you will keep it shaved til Gavin's grows back. You are such an amazing friend.
You're a great big brother too. MJ adores you! She loves her 'bubba' and sometimes noone else is good enough to calm her down. You're really good with Kait too. You make sure she is careful when you're waiting for the bus and worry about her when she falls down and gets hurt.
You amaze me every day. You are turning into a man before my eyes. Sometimes I miss the little cuddly baby you were. I think you know when I am having these moments cause you walk into the room and give me a hug and tell me you love me.
We have been through so much together baby boy. I think sometimes about how close I have come to losing you in the past and think you must be here to accomplish some pretty amazing things. You are sweet, loving, funny and I have the privelege of calling you mine.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Did you ever have that one place as a kid or even as an adult that you knew you could always go to no matter what? Home right? Where you grew up, or maybe a special fort in the back yard or maybe you could just close your eyes and imagine it.
I grew up in different apartments, I never thought anything wrong with it but I was always a little jealous of my friends who had houses. That's why I loved going to Grandma's house so much. As a little girl I spent a lot of time there. Walking back and forth to school, playing on the swing set she kept for us, riding bikes up and down the street. Even after I got older and started driving and hanging out most of the time with my friends, I still went to Grandma's at least once a week. She was my best shopping buddy, the best cook and I just liked sitting and talking or watching TV together.
I've lived with Grandma quite a bit throughout my life, and turning down her street I always knew I was almost home. I've had just about every birthday, Christmas whatever occasion you can think of there, the same with my kids.
Grandma has been living in an assisted living facility for over a year now, and it is a wonderful place and I am glad she is being looked after and being taken care of. However this means that Grandma's house needs to be sold.
I was there while they were packing it up and readying it for sale. I've been down there while it's been staged for open houses, and even when it's been empty. I spent a couple hours down there on Christmas just because it seemed right.
The house is closing today. I can't be in denial anymore. I have to face up to the facts it's not my home anymore. And you know, I don't think it's the house I am afraid of losing. I have realized through all of this that I grew up extremely lucky. You see my family was always together, aunts, uncles, cousins. Birthdays, holidays, Tuesdays we were always at Grandma's together. I am scared about what is going to happen without the house to be our meeting point. I am afraid that I am going to lose the closeness of my family. In small ways I can already see it happening. I am also terrified that I will never be able to give my kids that awesome feeling of always knowing where you could turn to.
And more than anything I am scared of losing Grandma. I know it sounds ridiculous but the house being sold makes it all real. Grandma is never going to go home again, at least not to her house. I need to visit her more and I know its selfish and not fair to her, but I always want to remember her at home sitting in her chair amongst all of her magazines and publishers clearing house finds drinking her coffee eating her coffee cake and talking so much that you can't really pay attention any more. I want her to be able to go shopping with me again, go out to lunch. I miss that so very much.
I guess that's it, just needed to get it all off my chest. I can't be in denial anymore. My heart will always be there, that will always be home to me. Even if some strange new family is living there. I will always remember it exactly as it was, with the red and white siding, the shrubs along the walkway, the giant pine trees that were our secret hideout and the furniture that hasn't been moved since sometime in the 80's. Good thing I have a lifetime of memories and the pictures to match to refresh once in a while.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
"1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take?
I really don't know about cheese in a can..I guess its ok. I don't regularly buy it but Ill eat it if it is offered.
2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS.
Hmmmm...I really don't watch them or read anything about them so in my little corner of the world they're already gone. :)
3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush?
ummm,, Joey Mcintyre of New Kids on the Block
4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be?
To be an amazingly awesome photographer who also is a world famous singing sensation!
5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?
Maybe, but once in awhile id like to kick someone. :)
6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?
I fell flat on my ass in the walmart parking lot, my flipflop slipped on the wet concrete and me and my bag of groceries took a good spill. About 5 'cartpushers' rushed over to help me out.
7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?
I think so, considering I am pretty boring both in real life and on the internet
8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?
I would love to be able to draw.
9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there?
10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?"